Relaxing Down the Rhine - Cologne is not Perfume

Day Three was an opportunity to figure out how to operate various switches in our room for lighting, television and an on demand concierge who looked like Pierce Brosnan, but regrettably sounded like a neutered Bobcat Goldthwait. Hey, a brand new ship will have a few bugs to work out.

By mid-morning we stopped in Cologne. We were divided into groups of about 20 or so and took off on a walking tour. Our guide was Markus, a high school history teacher, who was actually born in the former East Germany area. We were glad it was Easter Saturday and he was available to escort us around an interesting city. He told some wonderful stories about both the architecture and the people who inspired some of the more original ornamental designs included on a number of buildings and sculptures. Cologne was the first Roman settlement and we toured a great museum dedicated to Roman archaeological treasures and several beautiful, nearly completely intact, mosaics.

Mosaic from the German-Roman Museum

The cathedral in Cologne (the Kölner Dom) is a UNESCO World Heritage Site and is the most visited landmark in Germany. It's massive and difficult to capture in a single photo. And we tried. From a number of angles. Both during the day and again at night. Construction began in 1248 continued on and off for 7 centuries. It was completed in 1880 and largely escaped damage during the fierce bombing during WWII most likely because it was an excellent reference point to find other targets.

The Kölner Dom in Cologne

Cologne was where Auburn's mother's family stayed after fleeing their family farm when the Communists came through their village. Auburn's Mom and Aunt, 15 & 14 years old, were lucky enough to find jobs at the local chocolate factory. They were allowed to eat all the "defective" chocolate they could find. After 3 days her aunt had had enough but her mom continued to embrace the Chocolate Diet. The money they were able to earn helped the family gain passage  to the USA three short years later.

Sadly, not actually made of chocolate

We had a lovely afternoon strolling through the town and checking out whatever caught our fancy. Of course that included The Chocolate Museum.Just as a point of clarity here, the museum is not actually MADE of chocolate, not a single bit. We spent a fair amount of time browsing the gift shop and debating which large chunk of heaven we should bring back to the ship. Shockingly, we didn't need to worry about how to get any of this through customs on the way back home.

We were going to eat on shore, but being a holiday weekend and the weather just beautiful, the restaurants were overrun. So we hopped back on board to grab a light lunch and rest up for more exploring. After dinner we went back into town to try again to capture the Dom in photos, but  settled at one of the many outdoor cafes for a drink and to soak up the ambiance and music in one of the old squares. The Dom Bells rang out and we tried again to get some night shots, but it was too big and dark. But we did sneak in as the priests had shut off the interior lights and were trying to shoo out the final tourists and worshipers. It was bigger and way scarier at near midnight with only the occasional candles and low wattage lighting near the exit. We just hoped the Hunchback ringing the bells had a bit longer on his shift that night. We wandered back toward the ship to see the amusement park across the river with the rides all lit up and  a fireworks show as a closing finale. It was a great day, especially when Auburn provided a ball gag for the on demand concierge.

Relaxing Down The Rhine - Windmills and Dutch Treats

When we awoke after our first night aboard, we found ourselves up at the crack of dawn in the Dutch town of Kinderdijk (KIN-der-dike).  It's home to 16 windmills built in the 1740s and is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It was deceptively sunny to start and a cool breeze was arriving to propel the sails around and around. We made our way past a very modern electric pump house that was capable of pumping 4 times the amount pumped by the Windmills. In the background of the rising sun stood the 16 Windmills, sentinels of a steadfast faith in engineering to shift the water from canals into fields to feed families and foster an interesting and unique culture.

There were some differences in how the windmills were constructed. Windmills, versions 1.0 and 2.0 if you will, consisting of 8 of each type. Most of the differences were based on the amount of lumber available. Auburn thought it was really cool that the caretaker of the windmill really did wear wooden shoes.  We toured a mill and learned a family with at least 6 children operated the mill. When we looked at the living quarters, we're not sure how any adults actually slept in the tiny little beds. A stark reminder of the difficult life in a time in the not so distant past. Lastly, we toured a steam powered pump house that replaced the windmills. This was where we learned how and why the water was pumped and transferred. After exiting through a couple of gift shops with postcards, lapel pins and a package of windmill cookies, we headed back on board.

Boas!

Before being allowed to have lunch, we had to participate in our ships "Safety Briefing". Naturally this demanded not only life jackets, but also Boa Feathers! We like to believe this set the jovial and festive tone for the entire trip. You're Welcome, Viking Bestla!

After a nice lunch, we explored the ship a bit enjoying the front sun deck off the lounge area before we headed off for a short nap to help reset our clocks to Dutch time.

Then we met in the lounge before dinner to get information for the next day's sites and tours. After dinner we listened to a presentation on Dutch Masters of art, sampled some authentic Dutch Cheeses and a delicious Dutch liquor made from juniper berries called Jenever. The next morning Auburn renamed the evening "The Dutch Revenge".

Relaxing Down the Rhine - The Beginning

If it's Spring on the calendar, but still really Winter according the number of layers of our clothing, then it is absolutely time for a Palermo getaway.  But where to go? Fortune had smiled upon us in the form of a 2-for-1 coupon for a Rhine River Cruise. We had hoped a leisurely tour of The Netherlands (which isn't as dirty as Auburn first hoped), Germany, France and Switzerland would be far enough away to let things calm down at home before we returned. So we jetted off separately into the night. Mickey had booked a luxurious Business Class seat, complete with slippers, delicious food and room to stretch out for a nice nap. Meanwhile, Auburn had booked through the ship and ended up crammed into the overhead compartment of a charming 300 lb Albanian Monk. But on her last flight,  Auburn had a lovely view of beautiful tulip fields during a pristine morning descent into Amsterdam. We had planned to rendezvous at the ship's swanky first class lounge. However a series of unfortunate events changed our dreams. Skeeziks Palermo was "detained by certain agencies."  Her "detention" or as she called it "work commitments" voided our coupon while Mickey played the Dutch version of Hide & Go Seek featuring a taxi and our ship. As a result unable to make the precision timing of our mission to secure unlimited quantities of Wine, retirement Castles and Chocolate, so we ended up in a charming compartment named "Le Broome Closet." 

By the time the Dos Palermos had unpacked, we were able to lunch  aboard our Viking longship. Never ones to pass up a free (well, included) meal we made sure to fill our plates and double up on caffeine as we'd need it to stay awake the rest of the day.

A parking garage - for bicycles!

We'd signed up ahead of time for a canal sightseeing cruise so we set off in search of the correct dock. We improvised a tour of the waterfront and the train station, when we had been unable to find the shortcut through it. We miraculously avoided cars, trucks, buses, and zipping bicycles to finally locate the ticket office and queued up in line for another 45 minutes before boarding our tour boat.

Centraal Terminal & canal tour boats

The tour was in English after the recorded messages in Dutch and German. We did learn some things and it was very peaceful. Both Dutch and German languages are known for their lilting qualities. So tranquil that both of us nodded off at various times. While we enjoyed the tour perhaps a nap would have been a better use of our time. We'd tentatively planned to visit the Anne Frank house but that wasn't going to happen on this trip. Amsterdam is a lovely blend of Old European charm mixed with the calming romance of the Canals of Venice and the unique individuality of Seattle that requires more than a sleepy afternoon to appreciate fully. So it has been added to our list of places to revisit and explore more fully. Regrettably out of energy, we headed back to the ship to meet up with the rest of the gang, err group.

The rest of the group included several we'd cruised with before including Il Padrino & his wife, our cousin Sneeky Palermo and cousins Snappy, Sleenky and Sandy, as well as Curmudgeon and Blondie & Dagwood.

It turned out that this was our ship's maiden voyage and the rest of the group had arrived so early in the morning that they were the ship's very first guests! We were all given certificates to indicate we didn't sink and destroy it, so it must be true. We settled into our cabins had dinner and we all turned in early, ready for a good night's sleep serenaded by a propeller lullaby.

Our brand new ride - the Viking Bestla

Footsteps of Steele - the photos

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Footsteps of Steele - Saturday

We got up early on Saturday morning to give us a leisurely end to our vacation. There’s nothing worse than scrambling around and getting stressed. After all that is the entire reason to have a vacation, lose the stress and get back to a more centered existence.

Since we were in the south suburbs of Dublin and the airport was on the north side, we had to allow at least an hour to get there. We decided to skip the €24 breakfast at our lovely hotel and take advantage of the free airport lounge for our brunch. We finished packing and double checking every square inch of the room in hopes of finding that winning Irish lottery ticket to extend our stay. Mickey and the bellman did an excellent job of prying Auburn out of the room, but she’ll probably get the repair bill for the claw marks left on the door jamb.

The bellman did a fantastic job of packing the car, somehow managing to get all the luggage in the trunk. There must have been a latch that added 12 cubic feet of room that we just didn’t see all week or some secret bellman trick. We left the most extravagant hotel in a clown car with seagull crap on the entire right side in a cloud of dust. But because it was a ritzy hotel even the dust smelled like a lavender vanilla blend.

When we checked out the front desk staff gave us an information sheet with directions to the airport but we disregarded it as we had Nanny “GPS to the stars” Perkins to guide us. We asked for directions "home" and set off on our way.  Our first clue should have been when Nanny did not have us turn on the motorway, which would have been the fastest route, but it also had one toll section so we thought perhaps she was just saving us the €3 toll. Bless her heart! We meandered through Dublin pointing out places we recognized. We found a gas station close enough so we could top off the tank. We absolutely will not miss the price of their petrol.

We continued on, thinking this was a most round-about route when finally Nanny showed us reaching our destination. Only trouble is she wasn't pointing to the rental car return or even the airport but someone’s home address vaguely near the airport!  Another travel tip: next time you rent a GPS, ensure the "home" location is the rental car return!  Now getting short of time, we asked Nanny to take us back to the airport. We breathed a sigh of relief sighting the planes and finally road signs indicating Dublin International Airport. But that traitorous, cranky electronic audio fiend led us to where the car rental agency USED to be, a tumble weed-infested vacant lot with guard dogs and a moat. We vaguely recalled driving out of a parking deck a week ago, so we turned around and sped off.

We managed to spot two decks, but we had to choose. There was no time left for circling the airport again. We chose right, since everything this week was actually left. We drove up to the entrance and still saw no indication of where to return the car. Auburn was musing about the possibility of simply blowing up the car as we did have the premium insurance plan. But Mickey spotted a shuttle driver and reminded Auburn we left the explosives back home. It turns out we did choose wisely and were at the correct deck. On the way in we saw the small lettering on the garage where we were to return the car. We finally found a spot for our car, parked and hustled up to the rental counter.  Where we waited and waited for what seemed like forever as the helpful, chatty agents handed out cars to the people in line. We really wished they had a separate line for returns.

When Mickey finally got to the counter and mentioned having trouble finding signs directing us on where to return the car, the agent asked if she'd read the papers with the rental agreement. We hadn't. She gave us a gentle "you didn't listen to me when I rented you this car." A feisty Mickey held back the "you're right because we were so sleep-deprived we could barely think straight" retort that bubbled up.

The nice thing about flying business class was the short lines. The check in counter and security helped us get back on schedule. It was a bit of an adventure finding the lounge; they really try to keep the riff raff like us out, but we prevailed. Ian the 6’9” security guy withered when Auburn glared at him and gave him the knowing nod of tough guys everywhere. Although Mick thought she heard a soft whisper to him, “Don’t make me call your mother.” We arrived just as breakfast was ending and managed to find enough food and caffeine to stave off hunger until they'd feed us on the plane.

We cleared customs in Ireland before boarding, we had an uneventful flight back, plenty of food, a couple of hours of sleep, a snack when we awoke and before we knew it we were back in Chicago. We hopped in Auburn’s little silver jet and sped home to the cries of Mickey, “Right, Right!”

PS – In a sad footnote it appears Auburn’s little silver jet’s days have come to an end. The other Palermos are looking forward to meeting its replacement.

Footsteps of Steele - Friday

After returning from the pub Thursday night Auburn had mused about the possibility of visiting one place we’d both wanted to visit but didn’t feel we’d have time to see. During Mickey’s nightly wake-up-at-2:30 am occurrence she checked the driving time on Google maps and was surprised to see that it was do-able after all. So Friday morning we got up early, dressed in black break in clothes, had a tasty breakfast and were the road by 8 am. It was time to realize a 25-year-old dream by visiting Ashford Castle. We were very giddy at the possibilities.

The drive took about 2 hours due to some road construction but it wasn’t long at all before we found the entrance and noted that just as Mildred had researched, the castle had been around since the 13th century. (Well, she said 12th century but it dates to 1228.) We were greeted at the gate where we bought our tickets which stated we were entitled to visit the grounds and gardens only. We drove past one of the golf courses. They have two! Auburn has visions of a return trip to Ireland for golfing purposes and she’ll need a caddy… Quickly, we parked – away from the hotel, where the guests can park. That was no problem as it allowed us to take this nice shot of the castle.

Main entrance to the hotel

We walked around the grounds, giving our cameras a good workout as we took all kinds of photos of the castle and grounds we first saw in Steeled With A Kiss. After we’d seen all we could see outside, we were hesitant to ask about peeking inside the hotel but the doorman told us we’d be quite welcome inside. We’d thought the “grounds and garden” clause on our ticket would keep us out. They have the most beautiful bathrooms.

It’s definitely an old building inside but beautifully restored and luxurious. We had a pot of tea in one of the lounges and just enjoyed looking out over the back gardens where Mr. & Mrs. Steele and Daniel Chalmers had roamed those many years ago. We reminisced about the episodes and marveled at being in the same spot as our favorite TV couple. Auburn swears she could feel Mr. Steele’s cheeky imprint in the sofa cushion. Being one for cheap souvenirs, we found the perfect thing. It’s a wrap, complete with the Ashford crest, for the teapot’s handle to prevent it from burning your fingers while you pour your next cuppa. Fortunately they doubled the holders so we each got one.

View of Ashford from the Loch Corrib side - where much of the filming of Steeled With A Kiss took place

The Steeles were a bit camera shy

Next stop was the gift shop where we found appropriate shirts to commemorate our visit. Sadly, the book Mildred used to do her castle research was out of print and the new book hadn’t been printed yet so we’ll have to get that another time.  We did run into the Steeles while we were there.  They were visiting the castle on their 25th anniversary.

We did check the wall of fame and found a photo of Pierce with some of the hotel staff. Apparently the large photo from his wedding to Keely is no longer on display. Our final act was to sneak down to the dungeon to bury the voodoo doll of Tony the Rat next to an old phone, righting the wrongs in the Season 5 Steele Universe.

And with that mission completed, it was time to head back across the country to our final hotel. Fortunately most of this drive was on the motorway so we were able to drive at a reasonable speed. When it was time for lunch, once again we had to go a bit off the exit before we found somewhere suitable. We suppose that once you’re accustomed to that situation it seems normal but we just thought of how much money we might make opening a restaurant that’s visible from the top of the exit ramp.

For our final night in Ireland our tour package set us up in style. We were at the Ritz Carlton Powerscourt which was in a small town just outside of Dublin. We may never again stay in a hotel this nice. As the hotel is built on sloping terrain, the main drive and lobby are on the fourth floor and most of the hotel rooms are on the floors below. For reasons unknown to us (but we’re NOT complaining) we were upgraded to a room with a patio. And by patio, we mean it was the size of the room. We think the front desk staff and bellman got a kick out of us. We weren’t the typically unimpressed guests, but we got a huge thrill out of all that the hotel had to offer.

Closet left side

Closet right side

When our bellman led us to our room, we were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the large area where the beds were while he put out bags in the closet. The walk-in closet. Which was nearly as large as the bed area in the Academy Plaza where we’d spent our first night. We each had five (count ‘em FIVE!) doors behind which to hang our clothes. Since we were only there for one night we didn’t even really unpack, but still! It gave us plenty of room to open up those suitcases without having to step around them to get in the beds.

Bathroom

Our massive bathroom had a giant soaking tub and separate shower stall (with Rainforest showerhead overhead) and another stall for the toilet. The vanity had double sinks with a small TV embedded in the mirror in between the sinks!

In the main room were two king beds, a welcome change from the twins we’d had during the rest of the trip. One drawer of the nightstand contained a touchpad from which we could control the lights, temperature and even the curtains!

Chess, anyone?

We stepped out on our balcony and surveyed the grounds. What did we see in the distance but a giant chess set! It was Puzzled Steele brought to life! After photographing the view from our balcony we naturally had to go find that chess set. We made our way downstairs to the lowest level and would find doors that led outside but were wary that they were emergency exits. After flying under the Garda’s radar for nearly a week, we didn’t want to cause them any reason to come looking for us! We found a very helpful employee (and the staff was uniformly excellent) who let us through one of the doors on to the grounds in the back. Our first stop was the chess set which we found was not large enough to hide behind a la Mr. Steele and Miss Holt but was close enough for us.

Ritz Carlton Powerscourt

After taking the tour of the grounds we made our way back to the door where we’d come out. Only there was no card slot for us to enter our key and the door was locked. Okaaay. Hmm. So we walked around to the left side of the hotel as we could see a paved road there. We followed it as it led uphill to the main drive and entrance, only to find a locked gate blocking our path! We could see the entrance two stories above us yet we couldn’t get to it! So we walked all the way around to the right side of the hotel and there we finally found a back entrance to the pub. It seemed fitting somehow.

Since it was time for an early dinner anyway, we decided to stay for dinner. Auburn got to check off two items on her To-Do List for Ireland: have lamb and have a Guinness. The lamb came in the form of a tasty shepherd’s pie and, of course, the Guinness came by the pint. She’s happy to report that Irish Guinness is much lighter on the stomach than the version served in the US. She made sure by having several, all in the name of research.

We noticed that later that evening the bar would have traditional Irish music. Not wanting to miss that on our last night in the country, we went back to the room for awhile to catch up on email and such.

A little later we went down to the main (read, pricey) restaurant, Gordon Ramsey at Powerscourt, for some dessert. Auburn indulged in her love of all things raspberry while Mickey enjoyed a sampler of various ice creams and sorbets.

By then it was time for the music so we went down the hall to the pub. There were two local musicians who seemed to have quite the following of a few local women. Though we couldn’t always understand what they were saying, we recognized the traditional Irish tunes as sad songs about lost loves. The crowd joined along singing to Sweet Molly Malone as well as those more famous traditional Irish tunes, Friends in Low Places (yes, the one by Garth Brooks) and Love Theme from The Godfather.

Knowing we had to get up early to catch our flight we sadly left the pub but our fantastic beds made up for it! It was truly like sleeping on clouds.

Footsteps of Steele - Thursday

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Wake up to a wee bit o’rain, drive ‘til it mostly stops, then see some very interesting things. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. What? You didn’t say stop. We were off to see our next destination, the Cliffs of Moher. Google Maps indicated a drive of about 2.5 hours, just long enough to desperately want to hike around in any sort of weather. We hopped in the car, programmed the GPS and took off, shouting “Tally Ho” for no particular reason. The day cleared a little as we passed through various patches of sunshine and rain, perfect for rainbow spotting. We faithfully followed the GPS (nicknamed Nanny Perkins) turn by turn until she said something like “drive 400 meters and get on the ferry”. This vacation was turning into a “Planes, Trains & Automobiles” sequel. Now with a flipping boat ride! Get on the ferry? What ferry? Where was she taking us? Not trusting the disembodied voice of evil Nanny Perkins, we checked a paper road map, Google maps again and a tour bus driver named Pierce. We found that in this case the Naninator did not lie. Indeed, ferries do exist, except you pay a pot of gold to ride this one. We had to wait less than half an hour for it to arrive, just enough time to get the complete tour of the bus. What a driver! The 20 minute ferry ride shaved off a significant amount of time over driving further inland and around the bay through Shannon. The wind was whipping around on deck so we mostly stayed in the car and actually had time to read the books we’d brought along but had barely opened as we’d been quite tired each evening.

After the exiting ferry, it wasn’t a long drive to the Cliffs. Along the way we passed a true “links-style” golf course. Though we have some links-style courses here in the US, we doubt any of them are quite like those in Ireland and the UK. They reminded us of a mini-golf course, as there were craggy hills 20-feet high right in the middle of the fairway or just off to the side. We saw golfers up on top of these, pitching down to the green. If you want to golf in Ireland, you must be prepared to play in the rain. Maybe not in downpours but certainly a light, blowing rain must not bother you. If you want to wait for a dry 4-hour block to play 18 holes, you may be waiting a long time.

Around 11 a.m. we reached the beautiful Cliffs of Moher. Some of the guidebooks complained about the visitor center but we found it very practical as it’s embedded inside a hill which makes it highly energy efficient and has a relatively low impact on disturbing the natural beauty around it. The wind was blowing quite bit, so we took a few minutes to step inside the visitor’s center and wait for the weather to hopefully improve. During the short time we were inside, our good fortune held and the wind did die down a bit. Though it wasn’t sunny, the low clouds that obscured our view when we first arrived had lifted a tad and allowed us some good photos of the 200 ft. drop to the sea. After spending a good half-hour walking back and forth along the pathways, we had to check out the gift shop (naturally) before getting back to our car.

Cliffs of Moher - Co. Clare

When we arrived at the car, Auburn exclaimed “oh no!” very loudly, scaring Mickey (who had put the rental car charges on her credit card). Fortunately the “damage” was not from someone side-swiping the car but from birds dive-bombing it. Apparently the seagull from Dingle was a tad angry at missing Auburn. Fortunately the “Dingle Dump” managed to miss the door handle. We could only hope the ever-present Irish rain would wash it off.

Our next stop was an artsy, little town called Doolin. It’s billed as a place where locals sell handmade items and one-of-a-kind souvenirs. So we keyed the city name in the GPS. But Doolin is so small that Nanny didn’t recognize it! We found a nearby town for the Naninator and managed to find our way to it. From there, the only road led to Doolin. We were slightly worried we’d have trouble finding our B&B as it doesn’t have an address. But we shouldn’t have, as all the various B&Bs were listed at the only intersection. Most were in walking distance from the main road.

This main road was the town’s “shopping district” which was one strip that consisted of a hotel, a gift shop, the tourist information center, a fancier restaurant attached to the hotel (which was closed) and the pub. There was also a B&B across the street that had a seafood restaurant. And that was it. There was supposedly another pub somewhere about but it wasn’t in walking distance and we never found it. We were pretty hungry from the hiking so we chose the pub we could find.

After delicious lunch, we stopped by the tourist information center to figure out what we were going to do for the afternoon. Based on what we found there and on what we’d read in our guide books we decided to visit a national park called The Burren. A burren is basically a rocky hill. Grass grows over it but a lot of rock shows through. The main burren in the park is a small mountain. It is shockingly very green and not so surprisingly very craggy. Within the park, we stopped for a couple of the attractions, each with a gift shop.

The first was the Birds of Prey Center. We’d just missed the last public showing of the day but the woman in the office told us not to worry because Jamie had just taken a couple of the hawks out the other way and he’d be back soon. So while we waited for Jamie, we walked around and looked at some birds we’d seen and others that were new to us. When Jamie returned, he and his assistant put their birds into their aviary and then he introduced us to Juan, a Harris Hawk. Juan was still relatively young so he

was still in training for the public show. But he let us tag along as he took Juan to the small arena where the show was held, so he could work with him some more. We watched as he’d shoot small scraps of meat into the air with a slingshot and see if Juan could catch it midair. He did once or twice but only after being lazy sometimes and not even trying to catch it. When that happened Jamie would get to the meat before the bird did and use it for the next time, instead of rewarding him for not trying. Eventually Jamie asked if we wanted to put on his leather glove and hold the hawk. Auburn sincerely hoped that was code for something else, but apparently something was lost in translation. So of course, we did! And it was just as exciting as the other hoped for item. Ok …. Not really, but still awfully thrilling.

We had just over an hour before the park closed. We headed for our other stop, the Ailwee Cave, but only after buying locally produced fudge and cheese. MMMM Fudge and Cheese!

This cave was discovered in 1944 by the farmer who owned land, but he didn’t tell anyone about it for nearly 30 years. Once cavers began exploring they realized it was over 1 km deep though only half that much is open to the public. Exploration of the cave continues though there are certain terrain features (like 6m drops) that may prevent those parts from ever being publicly available.

It was nearly dark when we exited the cave so we made our way back to Doolin along the national highway and regional roads – only this time in the dark. That’s not an experience we want to re-enact! Between the hedgerows being trimmed and a couple of switchbacks, it was challenging. We missed our turn back to Doolin after switching off Nanny Perkins. But wee little lost sheep found our way back to the Pub. It turns out Auburn has a nose like a bloodhound when it comes to Guinness. Since the pub was offering live, traditional Irish music that night, we went back to enjoy our hearty Irish meal with Irish songs full of sorrow.

The B&B was nice and modern but it had the worst Wi-Fi of anywhere we stayed. Our typical pattern had been to stay and explore our current town until at least mid-morning but Doolin was so small we were resigned to just heading back toward Dublin the next day. But Auburn’s offhand remark changed our course. Most people reading this would bet we ended up in yet another jail or pub and in honor of the magnificent Cliffs of Moher…… Dun, Dun, Dunnnnn!
This is a cliff hanger! (Auburn really cracks herself up!)

Footsteps of Steele - Wednesday

Weather-wise, Wednesday was our worst day. It had rained overnight (as usual) and was just misting as left the B&B. We got to our destination, Muckross House, and as we were walking to the entrance we were asked if we wanted to go on a jaunting cart ride. Of course we had to ask what that was and it’s basically a small two-wheeled cart pulled behind a horse. Though when we looked at it we realized it was the same type of cart that Mr. Steele & Miss Holt had appropriated from Mrs. Armdale in Steele Your Heart Away when Mr. Steele got knocked off the seat, fell back into the cart and finally got the good klonk on the head that Mildred had wanted to give him earlier in the episode. The driver looked like a youthful Pierce Brosnan, the horse looked like an old Xanadu and they took us up to see the waterfall on the property and gave us a good overview of what we were seeing along with a brief history of the grounds. The property was beautifully tranquil, natural lake views and formal gardens showcasing the masterful blending of planned and organic landscapes, a rare treasure we would have loved to explore more thoroughly.

By the time the jaunting cart tour was done it was raining steadily so it was time to tour the house. The house was built in the 1840s and has 65 rooms. In 1855 the owners were given 6 years’ notice that Queen Victoria would be visiting. The advance notice was so they could get the estate up to royal standards. The queen visited for two nights. The money spent preparing the estate was so substantial that it virtually bankrupted the owners who eventually had to sell the property. The final owners received the estate as a wedding gift from the bride’s father and when the bride died at a young age, her husband and her parents donated the estate to the country. It became the majority of what is now the 25,000 acre Killarney National Park.

Ireland has a number of peninsulas, one of the more famous being The Ring of Kerry. When we were planning our route we were wary that drive might be more populated than we wanted so we opted for the also-scenic-but-much-less-crowded Dingle peninsula. Yes, yes, laugh away, we chose to ride the Dingle, drive the Dingle, wingle the Dingle. OK, we made that last one up. The further we drove towards the coast, the sunnier it got; well, sunnier for Ireland. That means alternating sun & clouds but mostly sunny. It’s also where we turned off National roads and on to Regional roads. That means a narrower paved area and essentially no shoulder. The small car suddenly felt fat and very hippy maneuvering through this curvy and hilly terrain.

We got into Dingle town and it was a picture postcard. Brightly painted shops lined the streets and brightly colored boats dotted the harbor. With all the mist and fog at this seaside town, the vibrant colors were a beacon of defiance. If the sun doesn’t shine enough here, the town of Dingle will provide it. This haven of artists is fiercely proud of all things Irish, particularly the Gaelic language. All signs are only allowed in Gaelic, unlike the rest of Ireland which use both English and Gaelic on signs.

We stopped to visit the Fungie the dolphin statute and walk along the pier to enjoy a well timed burst of sunshine. Auburn walked too close to a light pole where a seagull was perched and was very nearly hit with a messy surprise. Fortunately the bird’s aim was not quite good enough or it would have been time for unscheduled souvenir shopping excursion.

After checking with the tourist bureau we decided to drive along the peninsula and hopefully make the full loop. But shortly after we started our drive we stopped at the Famine Cottage and the Beehive Hut which were examples of mortar-less buildings where farm families lived and stored their goods just before and during the Great (Potato) Famine of the 19th century. The total population of Ireland fell by 2 million people in five years. One million emigrated and another million died. The Southwestern region of Ireland was particularly hit hard by this horrific event. Some estimates had it losing 40% of the population.

Our stop put us behind enough that we realized we wouldn’t have the chance to make the entire loop and still make it to our next B&B for check-in. So we drove down near the end of the peninsula where the wind was just whipping around but the views of the coast were amazing and had our photo op.

But the drive between the Famine Cottage and the end of the peninsula was not an easy one. This was by far the most terrifying road we’d traveled. It was virtually one lane with a few wider spots. Had we come upon traffic driving the other way one of us would have had to back up to let the other car pass. We did have a scary moment when we rounded a bend and found a sheep standing outside the stone wall, though fortunately not on the roadway. Had she been there we’d have had fresh mutton for dinner that night. Holy Sheep Batman! Speaking of sheep, there are millions of them in Ireland. During the drive, Auburn noticed what appeared to be blue, red, yellow, green and rainbow colored sheep grazing in the pastures. Mickey explained that in mating season the ranchers attached colored chalk bags to the male rams to identify the lineage of the baby lambs.

We eventually made it back to a national highway (which seemed much wider now, practically first class) and drove toward Tralee. As we passed through one small town Auburn did a masterful job of slamming on the brakes in the rain yet keeping perfect control of the car and then backing up just so we could take this photo.

Sadly we couldn’t stop as we were running a bit late. That’s the story that’s fit for a public forum. Really, we can’t write about it. Ever. Never.

However, one Palermo walked out of the bar with nary a wobble in her walk nor stain on her shirt. But the other, adorned in all colors of the rainbow, was given a group escort to the car.

We arrived at our B&B in Tralee just a few minutes past midnight, oops we mean the requested 6 pm check in. We unloaded our bags and set out in search of dinner or at least snacks. While we found a very smoky bar and several carry out restaurants that didn’t look appetizing, we had a hard time finding a place to eat without health concerns. After abandoning our hosts’ advice not to leave town, we finally came upon a restaurant in the next town. They actually had really good food (and Wi-Fi!). It was very late before we got back to the B&B for a well deserved night’s sleep.

Footsteps of Steele - Tuesday

After heavy rains overnight we awoke to a beautifully sunny, though quite cool, morning. After enjoying a lovely breakfast with the obligatory pot of tea we packed up and drove the few miles back into Kilkenny. 

The first stop was Kilkenny Castle. Though the main gates were open, the castle itself wasn’t open quite yet so we took photos from just about every conceivable angle.  With the gates closed yesterday we hadn’t realized the extent of the grounds and the massive park that was part of the castle grounds.  Once we had our tickets we watched a brief film on the history of the castle and saw parts of the foundation that date back to the 12th century. Apparently the 12th century was a booming for castle builders, something about low interest rates and 125% equity on your invading army weaponry. Then we were able to take a tour and due to the early hour and time of year there was hardly anyone else touring so there was always a docent handy to answer any questions we had.

Just outside the castle were a couple of “trains” – trams for sightseeing that had been made over to look like trains though they actually drove through the streets.  The tour was narrated and gave us a good history of the town and drove us through the city center and told us about the various churches we passed.  It was in between two of these churches that we saw a sign.  No, not “a sign” but literally A SIGN!  We yelled for the driver to stop (as we were the only two people on the tram) but he didn’t hear us so we made note of THE SIGN’s location to be sure to revisit it later.  What was THE SIGN you may ask?  One that is appropriate for all good Remington Steele fans to remember:

Paging The Kilkenny Kid....

After finishing the tour we basically followed its path on foot (Kilkenny is not very large, but more hilly than Dublin) and stopped by St. Mary’s for some photos before retracing our steps to the Boxing Academy sign.  Mr. Steele, you are well remembered here. Then it was on to the Black Abbey and up the hill to St. Canice’s.  We would have loved to have climbed the tower at St. Canice’s to get a good overview of the city but we just did not have time (and there was an extra charge).

One of the town’s most famous residents was Alice Kyteler who live in the late 13th-early 14th century. She was a businesswoman who ran a roadside inn & pub, as well as doing some money lending.  As he lay dying, her fourth husband mentioned his suspicion that he was being poisoned. Once he died, his children and those of her three previous husbands accused her of using poison and sorcery against their fathers. She was also accused of various other heresies such as denying the faith, sacrificing animals to demons and blasphemy.  The local bishop tried to have her arrested but her first brother-in-law was the Chancellor of Ireland and it is believed he helped her escape.  Her servant Petronella was not so fortunate and she was tortured and burned at the stake.  The bishop was eventually buried in St. Canice’s Cathedral.  Alice was never heard from again but her inn remains in the center of town and we had lunch there. We avoided the stew just in case some parts of her husbands were still in the larder.  Much of the original structure is still visible, with low ceilings, fireplaces and charred beams verifying an intriguing history.  As the menu notes: many of the exposed brick arches and wooden beams were old when Columbus discovered America.   Quite a lot of history in a lunch spot!

Then it was time to get on the road for our next location.  We’d been rather fortunate to this point with our driving in Dublin, on motorways and just a little bit on the side roads but that was about to change.  There is no motorway that runs from Kilkenny to Killarney so we were stuck with N-roads, or National Highways.  While we certainly have 2-lane portions of national highways here in the US, it’s also not uncommon to find 4-lane divided highways.  From our sample survey of one week, a 4-lane highway is a great rarity in Ireland.  The vast majority are 2-lane, two very NARROW lanes with a shoulder about 6 inches wide with either a giant hedgerow or a stacked stone wall by the shoulder. Apparently all roads were initially planned on the way home from a long night in the pubs as a straight stretch of road is extremely rare. Blind curves, pedestrians and curious farm animals of all sizes do not mix!   Here’s a short video illustrating what it’s like to drive on an Irish national highway:

The soft Ireland  weather is never stable for too long. For the months prior to leaving, we tracked the weather daily and everyday there was rain. No wonder the place is so richly colored emerald green. It rained off and on during the whole 2-hour drive from Kilkenny to Killarney. While Auburn certainly doesn’t mind driving fast, even she thought it would be insane to drive as fast as some of the posted speed limits.

We did finally reach our second B&B where, once again, we were the only guests.  This was also where we discovered Auburn had left her super-duper power converter at the first B&B. It not only converted electricity, but also turned Miller Lite Beer into Guinness. A tremendous loss that Auburn very nearly didn’t recover from, sigh, but it turned out fine. All our electronics (except the curling iron) could handle the European current and all we needed was a plug converter so we were able to get by without it.

Dinner that night was in a quaint restaurant in the middle of Killarney.  We’d have liked to have had a few more hours in town but they roll the sidewalks up pretty early in some of the smaller towns and the drive had really sapped our energy so back to the B&B we went, hoping the off-and-on rain would cooperate with us the next day and allow us to settle the question of the day: What is a jaunting cart?

Day 14: The ever-ending day 2.0

Auburn woke us up early to wave to the Italian navy as we pulled into port. Waking up that early was actually easy due to all the noise the ship makes when docking. Think about a runaway washing machine and you’ll get the idea. Sleenky and the rest of the group, including trip leaders Il Padrino and Sneeky and their sidekick Snappy, had an earlier flight so we parted in the hallway. We waited for our number to be called to disembark the ship and once we were finally ashore and had collected our luggage, we attempted to get on one of the buses to the airport. Apparently we were all too polite to push and shove our way on to a bus with our number on it, so we got shuffled off to the “overflow bus”. We nicknamed our bus driver/luggage handler “Molasses” as Auburn could have loaded the luggage twice as fast and gotten us to the airport in one-third of the time. We’ve truly been spoiled by our private motorcoaches!

Upon arriving at the airport, we encountered a new phenomenon, do-it-yourself security. We’re not kidding. We walked right into the outer area, the two attendants never ceased their conversation (though they did look at our passports) gave us stickers to put on our carry-on baggage and waved us through….to the inner area where we discovered ol’ Molasses would not be out of place. It literally took us an hour to get from that point to the counter where we dropped off our luggage and picked up our boarding passes. None of us have ever seen anything like it. Moral of this part of the story: when leaving Italy, plan on being AT LEAST 3 hours early for your flight. Oh and don’t worry too much about security in Italy as we walked right through the metal detector with coins in our pockets and they even forgot to require us to take off our shoes.

Once our flight got underway they passed out Customs forms for re-entry into the US. Auburn enjoyed her stay so much, they gave her a form in Italian and she has now applied for Italian citizenship. The Caribineri is reviewing her (altered?) criminal record to see if they’ll allow her to stay, but based on the Customs procedures for entry into Italy, we don’t see any problems with local law enforcement. She has 45 days in which to obtain a job where she can arrive late, leave early and talk to her friends while doing the job. Also, it needs to be a job where being efficient is grounds for dismissal. If she finds such a job, expect a rash of Americans to follow.

We were served a late lunch aboard our jet and were pleased to see that the airline offered sea horse ravioli, just the way we found it in Venice. Nice, small, fresh ones, just the way we like ‘em!

We actually arrived early into Atlanta, only to find that our connecting flights were delayed. We’re totally worn out, fighting the sniffles and in desperate need of sleep. We can’t show you the “after” picture of the three of us as the camera refuses to focus on an image that disturbing.

All in all, a once in a lifetime trip filled with wonderful friendships and memories!

Day 13: I Gotta Pisa Advice For You….

The title works better when you say it with a fake Italian accent.

Wondering about Steele & Holt? Revisit our previous stories (you know, like reruns) until March sweeps. We will give you some teasers: Mildred was seen boarding the ship with Michael Gleason not far behind yelling “you can’t let ‘em ‘do it’, that’ll cause us to get cancelled! I’ll find another husband for Laura!”

As for us, we had an early tour to Pisa, which left us leaning in different directions. Strange but true: it actually leans like a banana due to various attempts to straighten it over the centuries. (Xenos, we don’t want to hear any banana jokes from you.)

Next we drove over to Firenze, aka Florence. It’s as beautiful as people say with the 4th largest cathedral and another church whose façade is covered with white Carrara marble, which is mined in the nearby hills. Unfortunately we couldn’t get into any of the major museums due to the length of the lines. We did see a number of sculptures outside the Uffizi museum of famous Firenzians through the centuries. There’s also a scale replica of the famous David statue just outside the Uffizi but, just our luck, it was covered in scaffolding. (Jilly, lalalala) The jiggly bits however were still visible. Xenos we have closeups just for you. (End lalalala)

In search of a place for lunch we ran into Pierce. He was going to join us for lunch but he got trapped inside and couldn’t make it. We ended up at a quaint outdoor café on the edge of a local piazza market. We all ordered pizza as we realized we had yet to have any authentic Italian pizza (the stuff on the ship doesn’t count). We met back up with the group at the Santa Croce piazza and Auburn & Mickey decided to tour the church to see the tombs of famous people from Florence including Leonardo da Vinci, Michaelangleo, Machiavelli, Amerigo Vespucci, Enrico Fermi and G. Marconi. We saw the steps down to the crypts and Auburn paused, seriously considering a foray down there for an up-close-and-personal look but we weren’t wearing our black break-in clothes so we’ll save that for another day. We left Florence planning another trip to Italy where we could spend several days each in Florence, Venice and Rome so we could have time to see everything we want. Start saving your Euros now!

We completed the day by packing in 20 minutes (as opposed to the days and hours it took us to pack FOR the trip), having dinner with the entire group and one final feather boa parade to the hot tub. Sleezy is inviting herself to Sleenky’s house to enjoy HER hot tub next week!

Day 12: A modest villa in the south of France….

“Today’s the day, Mr. Steele and I have been getting closer. And I’ve been feeling more… and…so tonight’s the night.” Well, not exactly. Let me explain. We aren’t in Cannes. The ship docked in Monaco and we signed up for a tour to Nice and Eze. Nice is lovely with a beautiful flower market and gorgeous carousel in a small park. Mr. Steele took Laura for a nice ride on it. By the end, they were holding sticks, er, I mean hands, and looking moonfully into each others’ eyes over the white rose he gave her. In Eze, a simple roadside café turned into a quiet, bit of solitude over pastries and coffee. The Côte d’Azur was working its magic.

Upon returning to the ship, Laura spied a Vespa scooter club race at the yacht club entrance and her competitive juices took over. She persuaded a lovely gentleman named Albert to allow her to race in the time trials. A cloud of dust later, she was in the winner’s circle proudly clutching the plastic gold trophy. Steele was mildly put out by the attention Albert was raining on her. Laura accepted his invitation to join Albert for dinner in his villa. It turns out Albert is the prince of Monaco, the very SINGLE prince of Monaco. (Although if you have seen any pictures of the Prince, Steele should not have been worried.) Sleezy devised a plan and long story short, Sneezy and Skeezy are now the property of His Royal Highness and Laura and Steele came to an agreement in the Palace Garden. Steele agreed to forfeit his passports to Laura and she agreed to dot…dot…dot.
So under the magical influence of a Dom Perignon cork from the Top of the Mark and reciting Tony Bennett lyrics, they headed off to consummate this relationship as it was meant to have been, in the clear skies of a warm Mediterranean night.

Day 11: Bienvenudo Barcelona

What happened to Day 10 you may ask? See Day 8 and Day 4 and repeat. Slugs-R-Us.

We exit the ship only to realize that we have 3 extra vouchers for the hop-on, hop-off Turista Bus. We walk 8 miles to the ticket office to exchange the vouchers for actual tickets. Our trip leader, El Padre (aka Il Padrino in Italy and Pimp Daddy in the US) was attempting to lure unsuspecting young, female backpackers with his signature phrase “hop-on me, hop-off me, I’ve got three.” Surprisingly, we got no takers. Fortunately our chief of marketing took over and managed to pass the tickets off for a tidy profit. (Las turistas stupidas! Ha ha ha!)

First stop was the La Sagrada Familia church. Construction began in 1882. However we did not enter as we wanted construction to be complete before we actually took the tour. Yes, it’s STILL under construction! We circled the block 5 times looking for los baños only to come back to my personal restaurant, Mickey D’s where we bought the world’s smallest Cokes in payment for using the facilities.

The architect Antoini Gaudi was a huge influence in Barcelona so we hopped off at Güell Park to visit a house where he lived for 20 years and to see the highlight of all Spain which we had believed to be the size of Godzilla and actually passed it by before it was pointed out to us. Turns out it is only about 10 feet long, thus causing our confusion. Here is a photo of the dragon in its natural habitat.


We hopped on and off the bus again as Skeez was experiencing an extreme reaction “green straw withdrawal” (that’s Starbuck’s for the uninitiated). We got in line for the bus again only to realize that drinks are contraband on the Turista Buses. Sleenky quickly said “stick it here” and tucked it up under Skeez’s shirt. We managed to get on board the bus with no problem and stayed on until we got to the Museum of Art where we exited to give Skeez time to finish her Frappuccino. We were rewarded with some gorgeous views of the city.
Hopping back on the bus we rode it back near the port and strolled along Las Ramblas where Skeez was able to appease her high-speed addiction at an internet café. (The internet on the ship is *supposedly* high-speed but….not really.) We stopped at a quaint little place called Hamburguesa del Rey for a quick bite to eat.

The day ended with Skeezy & Sleezy plotting creative ways to kill one another. Skeez mentioned leaving the clothesline strung across the shower as a means of garroting Sleezy and Sleezy was using nail polish fumes to trigger Skeez’s allergies. We understand that a frayed guy wire will be left by the hot tubs tomorrow night. Stay tuned to see which one gets a burial at sea and which one returns to the States.

Day 9: Picture It, Sicily, 2008…

The day started like many others so far, we had a quick bite to eat and discussed how to get the body, (formerly known as Tony “Bag of Donuts” Roselli) off the ship. It turns out the Sicilian “Outfit” has an express lane for returning “associates”. It was listed in Rick Steves’ Best of Europe guidebook under the section titled - Coming home to Mamma. So with our group tour bus we headed into the beautiful countryside to the church, Santa Lucia where Michael Corelone gets married in “The Godfather”. Unfortunately, a miscommunication causes a double booking and we end up putting the body in a wine barrel, strapped to a donkey. Money changes hands and long story short, Tony is now a cork in a lava tube somewhere in Mt.Etna. So if it erupts, there is a slight chance of his landing back in the USA.

After our tour returned us back the ship, Sneezy, Skeezy and Sleezy head back into Messina for a little action. It is after all a port filled with stevedores and sailors. Sleenky, still appalled by Sleezy’s “Associates”, chose to seek sanctuary in the safety of the nearest church, not trusting assurances that the hot tub of holy water onboard was as equally effective. Regrettably, a two-hour walk around the waterfront netted only catcalls and whistles. But after duct-taping Sneezy into silence, our search for dependable high speed internet resumes. But apparently the preferred method for communication is still carrier pigeon. We all agreed that one trip to Sicily is enough for a lifetime.

With the body now off-ship, Mr. Steele’s thoughts returned to amore. He dressed in his finest tuxedo and swept Laura out for a birthday celebration toast at Scott’s Piano Bar. Just as things got tantalizingly close to a romantic breakthrough, a horrible Mildred-like interruption occurred when four foa beathered broads entered the bar demanding ABBA tunes. Sam, the piano-playing, hockey-hating Canadian, was not amused at the disruption of his quiet set of romantic ballads, and decided to quicken the pace. He asked if anyone knew anything fast. Sleezy responded in the blink of an eye, “Skeeziks!”. In a margarita-induced haze, Skeezy jumped up on the piano while Sam played “Dancing Queen” and her three hand maidens danced enticingly for any patron on deck four. Steele reminded Laura of her promise to show him her fan dance from Pepe’s when Sam transitioned to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Laura purloined a boa from one of the hand maidens and was just about to demonstrate how to have some real fun when the sniper paparazzi arrived. The crowd scattered back to their various staterooms.
Happy Birthday Stephanie! We hope you had as much fun today as we did with “Steph-on-a-Stick”. By the way, we celebrated in international waters so any attempt to have us arrested or bring civil action are without legal merit. At least that’s what Enzo and Felix Murietta’s cousin claims.

Day 8: Il Dolce Far Niente Ancora

See Day 4. We’re serious about having done nothing today and are feeling too lazy and well fed to type about it. We will, however, provide the following advice: Avoid “I Am Legend” at all costs, even if watching it on the world’s largest cruise screen while laying out on deck over the Mediterranean Sea. In our two noodle review, we give it a Limp Linguine. This didn’t seem to stop our romantic couple from ‘date night,’ however, as Mr Steele and Laura cozied up under the deck blankets and weren’t seen again until after all mutants were vanquished.

Oh, and Auburn had to be talked down off the Nothing-Left-To-Lose’s tailfin this afternoon during a minor suicidal episode. Why, you ask? Another bad day with the stock market? No, her Cubs lost. Being from LA, Skeeziks says, “Long Live that Goat curse.”

Days 6 & 7: Venezia, Bambino!

Forgive our delayed posts, dear readers, but we’ve been a bit busy walking our feet off in Venice. Wow, what a city. Who built it, and why, we did not ask. We’ll just summarize it by saving it’s everything you’ve seen in the movies and more. More canals, more calles, more shops, more gelato… We’ll begin our adventure with the Vaporetti. These Floating Rat Traps are the confusing, crowded and often slow moving transportation system of the masses. Emphasis on the masses. Three water buses and 100 hours later we arrived in Piazza Giglio, starting point of our gondola ride down the canals.

To summarize:

Every piazza had a church, every church had a bell tower and every bell tower had a sniper trying to sell us fake Prada.

Marcy, the fourth of our quartet, disappeared off the Vaporetto. We feared she’d been kidnapped but didn’t let this disrupt our gondola ride. Oh, so many canals… Later that evening, she arrived back at the ship dressed in Versace with Prada sunglasses and a Gucci handbag, trailing her boa as she sang songs from “Mamma Mia!” in Italian. Thus, Sleenky was born.

On the romance front, things are looking up for Mr Steele and Miss Holt. First of all, they avoided the Vaporetti and took a water taxi, the Venetian equivalent to The Limo. A romantic gondola ride was followed by a five course meal, two bottles of Chianti and some cho-cho-chocolate gelato. They ate better than we did and we’re very hopeful for a successful Cannes curse reversal.

Keeping with the theme, you’ll all be very pleased to know that Georgio Mulchino is thriving here with a branch office of Steele Inc.



He’s also marketing Gina Lollobridgida bridges as a backup in case the crime business here doesn’t pick up and discussing the used gondola market with Enzo Murrieta’s brother.

On Day 2 in Venice, our reunited (and it feels so good) Quartet visited the Who Let the Doges Out Palace. The Doge's Palace was the seat of Venetian government until Italian unification in the late 1700s. While all of the tour was amazing, Auburn and Skeeziks were especially interested in the prisons, dungeons, and armory. Too bad we weren’t allowed to take pictures here as there were several OMG!!! items we’ll have to describe later. Think of a metal thong with spikes in the wrong direction. For men.

Interestingly enough, Venice was the least expensive stop for us so far, having dumped Enzo and all the other fleecers. (We’d been warned there were pick-pocketers in Italy, we just weren’t aware they were all named Enzo and we’d willingly paid them up front.)

We ended the day as all vacationers should, celebrating the birthdays of two absent friends (Everglade and Xenos) at the piano bar with boas, a Mamma Mia request set and some Dancing Queens. Strangely enough, this is the honest truth.


And so we sign off from Venice…

Day 5: If it’s Saturday, it must be Dubrovnik

Not much more to cover here since we typed at you from the world’s best internet café. However, we’re happy to report that we’re all still free to move about the world despite this being where we learned incense is not the same as hashish. HaKuna Matata, as is Croatian currency.

Queesy, Queesy, Queesy and Marcy returned to our ship to very rough seas, lightening storms and a hatch left open below deck. We recall the conversation went something like this:
Auburn (looking out the window): Wow, it really is rough out there. I hope we can keep down all this liquor and food. Everybody eat puree tonight! No point in ripping up our tracheas.
Skeeziks: You know, they didn’t tell the guests on the Titanic that they were in danger. They just let them keep on dancing and eating.
Mickey: I’m going to be pretty hacked off if I labeled all 5,000 of these photos and the ship sinks!

It should be noted that Mickey later stuck a pacifier in Brendan’s USB port and strapped him into a life jacket complete with leash and floatation device. She was last heard to inquire, “Will my wi-fi plan work on the lifeboats?”

Day 4: Il Dolce Far Niente (The Sweetness of Doing Nothing)

On our first ‘day at sea,’ we discovered our inner laziness. Arising at 11:30 AM, we dashed off to a late breakfast and then didn’t move from our chaise lounge chairs on deck except to lay on our stateroom beds. Aside from our deep, dark tans, we’re now very well read. Mickey has taken up trashy romance reading ala Charlotte Knight. Marcy is studying quantum physics in the hopes of inventing time travel to be permanently on vacation, Skeeziks acquired another language skill thanks to her Italian Sherlock Holmes novels and Auburn’s still reading basic English and Typing for Dummies. Having failed the intro course, we don’t hold much hope and Brendan, Mickey’s computer, is looking very nervous.

Day 3: Mr. Enzo Murrieta’s Wild Ride

Our first shore excursion included the ancient city of Pompeii, the Amalfi Coast, Positano, and Sorrento. Our guide Enzo, Mr Steele’s Italian cousin, whose brother sells used cars in the Napoli valley, and Mario, of Nintendo’s similarly named video games, took command of all our day’s travel accommodations in their stylish, yellow Smart car (BKA The Lemon) and off we barreled towards Pompeii as quickly as a one-cylinder vehicle permitted.


The sacred, stirring and still ashy ruins of Pompeii, are a magnificent experience, the highlight of which is the brothel with its extra value meal, so selected by taking the phallic menu option shown here:

(Ancient mural positions picture Paxed to protect your inner eyes.)

While Auburn, Marcy and Skeeziks were busy ‘doing Pompeii,’ we noticed Mickey being carried up the side of Mt. Vesuvius by a pack of New Pompeii’s residents as a virginal offering to keep the volcanic gods at bay. Much to all of our surprise, she was tossed back, not for the usual reasons of impurity but because Vesuvius was heard to declare, “I wasn’t in the mood for Southern BBQ today, I was thinking maybe Chinese.”

Making our way south down the windy coast of Amalfi at warp speed, we paused only long enough to stop in at Sophia Loren’s house for cocktails, Rudolph Nureyev’s island for wine and Enzo’s cousin’s restaurant for a financial soaking. Er lunch. Every time the Dow dropped a hundred points, the gamblers in the group had another drink and the sober one crossed another ski trip off her list---hence the need for the trip through the Pneumatic Tube at Il Banco d’Rupto di Amalfi. Marcy decided to cash in her chips, so to speak, but had to decode four Roman Pictographs and solve four Sudoku puzzles to ride the Magic Human Conveyance into the vestibule itself. By then the dollar had dropped another seven points. %$#@!!

Day 2: Roaming About Rome

After Mickey & Marcy checked out of the presidential suite (complete with a view overlooking a fountain, a café and a picturesque Roman street) and Auburn & Skeeziks checked out of their walk-in closet (incomplete with a view of the dumpster and the sounds of The Hound of the Baskervilles), we met our tour guide Patrice for a city tour. Though American sounding due to attending high school in the US, Patrice was half-Irish, half-Zimbabwean, attended the American University in Rome and managed cobble-stoned Roman streets in stilettos--- an obvious sign of a capable woman. She took us to the Monument to Victor Emmanuel II, the Teatro Marcellus, the Pantheon, Trevi Fountain and the Colosseum, where Constantine’s Arch is also found.

Thanks to Everglade’s warnings, we obtained breastplates and swords and were able to fend off the aggressive vendors encountered at the Colosseum. The Pantheon, however, proved to be a challenge. Originally built as a Roman temple for the ancient gods and later converted to a church for Catholic martyrs and apostles, alarms city-wide began to ring as we approached --danger, Italy, danger! Due to what the Italians are now calling the “Cattivo di Il Vaticano,” Auburn was denied entrance to a second historic, religious monument while Mickey, Marcy and Skeeziks entered, crossed themselves and lit candles for protection against future Auburnesque incidents. We DO hope to return here someday, unimpeded by GPS ankle bracelets and a conga line of monks, priests and abbots.

Moving right along...

Upon boarding, the Circus line’s Nothing-to-Lose vessel, easily identified by its rusty propeller, loose screws, barnacled bottom and humongous size (it IS an American cruise line, after all) we were quickly provided with picture ID cards, a copy of the Geneva Convention and hammocks. Hammocks?! Far from the stateroom we’d expected, we were so far below Steer-age it was ‘Calf-age.’ The Women of Muster Station B, rated XXX (chica, chica bow wow), proved to be in top form though as they danced down towards the rescue drill line… but were still considerably less fashionable in their orange life vests than Mr. Steele and Miss Holt of the Panorama Deck (Level 10, for those keeping score).