San Francisco: Addendum

(Day Four Addendum)

We managed to sleep in until after 8 am, which is perhaps a sleep-late record for Auburn, but still early for Mickey and Skeez. We re-packed and went downstairs for breakfast, managing to scrape up the last remnants before the free buffet closed for the day. After checking out, we stayed in the lobby waiting for Mick & Auburn's hotel shuttle which was about 5-10 minutes late in arriving. We were a bit concerned that we'd be late for the airport, knowing the shuttle would likely have to be filled before we'd actually start for the airport and that there were still 5 open seats in the van. However, mere seconds after "take-off" we realized that, running a bit late or not, we'd arrive in plenty of time as our Russian driver (apparently Pikup Undropov from Car Talk is moonlighting in SFO) wanted to re-enact Mr. Toad's Wild Ride from the Disney theme parks. Zooming down city streets at 50 mph, missing tourists and other vehicles by mere inches - all in a day's work for this guy. We arrived at the airport in plenty of time and Mick actually made it through security less than one hour after they'd left the hotel! For once, Auburn's flight was on time and she arrived home Sunday evening, much to Norman's delight. Skeez managed to haul the luggage aboard three different trains (F tram, BART, AirBART) on her way to Oakland, where she caught her flight and - even though she was the last to leave - arrived home before Mickey even arrived for her connecting flight in Denver!

All in all, a fabulous weekend. The weather was better than we'd have even dreamed (all sun, temps in the 60s & 70s) and we were able to share laughs about things only other RS fans understand, like giggling uncontrollably at the word "Trapman".

San Francisco: Body Shots & Goldilocks

Body Shots and Goldilocks
(A San Francisco Retrospective, Day Three)


After awaking from our comas, Auburn and Mickey showered (not together!), had a leisurely breakfast, after which we noticed someone was missing. Where's Skeez? We went down to the waterfront and began searching as that's where the park benches were. Following the smell of cho-choc-chocolate to Ghirardelli Square we discovered Skeez on a park bench next to a drained can of Steel(e) Reserve 211. We pumped her full of caffeine and 72% cacao chocolate. At that point she sprinted up the hill to Golden Gate Park, where we took turns re-enacting the death of Morris Fishbane. Mickey received a near-fatal hand injury. This was one instance in which the blood WAS real on Remington Steele!
On the way back from the park, we spotted Bobbi Canary jogging along the waterfront in bright yellow spandex and matching sport bra. 

We walked down to Pier 33 1/3 to board the SS Amoeba for the trip to Alcatraz. Fortunately, that proved uneventful and we landed safely on The Rock (aka Alky-traz). We were given breathalyzer tests and promptly strip searched and marched down Broadway to our cells. We immediately complained that they didn't use Snuggles fabric softener on the blankets. The guard replied "Look, Paris, Nicole and Lindsey this ain't no Hilton!". We looked at each other and realized we no longer feared Alcatraz as we'd seen the Hotel del Amor. After abandoning the scavenger hunt due to lack of a significant prize ("What do you mean we don't get Sean Connery, Nicholas Cage and Clint Eastwood as a prize?") and pith helmets we decided to enjoy the audio tour of the island. It was quite interesting to see and we highly recommend it. We walked back down to the dock to board the ferry back to SFO, only to see the captain waving to us and saying "Toodle- loo!", so we had to wait for the last ferry of the day for the trip back.

On the ferry ride, Auburn's stomach was rumbling such that Skeez commented on the noise, to which Auburn replied, "It's a simple process, Skeez. You just put some food in it and it shuts right up!" Once on land we went back to Pierce 39, um, Pier 39 (natural typo, right?) where we once again managed to find a $60 snack. At least this time it was $60 for all three of us, not just for Auburn. If it's any indication of prices in San Francisco, where every other city in America has an "Everything's A Dollar" store, the City by the Bay has "$8.95 or Less" stores. The restaurant had a lovely view of the bay and we learned of the new city tax (on top of sales tax) that goes to pay for the panhandlers and homeless (of which there are a LOT).

So the three merry ladies headed back to the hotel to eradicate the stink of "The Rock" (Think 46 years of cracked, uncleaned sewer pipes, "Gee I smell terrific"). We decided to print our boarding passes for the return flight home at the hotel, but the techno-wisecrackers of Skeeziks and Mickey infuriated the desk staff by fouling up the hotel printer. Thus they were rebooked via New Jersey and Saskatchewan for their flights home courtesy of the Holiday Inn geek squad.

After an all-too-brief recuperation period at the hotel for Skeez and Mickey and an oil and grease job for Auburn, we left in search of a late night supper. Once again we began walking up and down the hilly streets in a never ending attempt to soak up the sight, sounds and smells of the City by the Bay. We ended up at a very reasonably-priced Sicilian place where were served by a poor, young hot guy named Alberto while we watched the Mexican soccer league with more young, hot guys on TV. Stumbling back down the hills to the hotel, we decided to have one last nightcap at Knuckles. Realizing we'd yet to follow Xenos's one directive (to do a body shot off a really hot guy) despite numerous opportunities, we decided our 28-year-old waiter, Eric, would do and proceeded to check the last item off our "to do" list. We were all very glad Eric was a waxer. Last call comes early in the tourist district (11:30 pm), so we drifted back across the street to the hotel and began trying to complete this write up - without making much headway. Auburn blamed the tequila, Mickey blamed the wi-fi connection and Skeeziks,… well Skeez did her best Bernice Foxe imitation on poor, hot Eric.

San Francisco: A Democrat, A Republican and an Independent Are Walking Around Berkeley...

A Democrat, a Republican and an Independent are walking around Berkeley
(stop me if you've heard this one before)
(A San Francisco retrospective, Day Two)

As a result of the timeshare presentation the day before, we were entitled to a free city tour. We boarded the bus and our 23-year-old tour guide, who had THE most annoying giggle, talked non-stop for the first 8 stops. Ears bleeding, we exited the double-decker bus and decided that walking was a more preferable way to go. With a great need to put more distance between him and us, we boarded the BART and took off for Berkeley across the bay.

We had lunch at Skeez's favorite restaurant, Cafe Intermezzo on Telegraph Avenue, a wonderful small store front café with tremendous salads and sandwiches. Afterwards, we sneaked into the student center for a rest stop, where Skeez and Auburn attempted to perform a California conversion on Mickey's conservative sensibilities. She exited the campus wearing Birkenstocks, a tie-dye dress, hairy legs and chanting "I can't stay long". Auburn & Skeeziks left campus with a piercing and a tattoo. Only the police know which one got which and on what body part. Thanks for those recommendations ahead of time to the Berkeley Boys in Blue. We stopped and tried on hats at the Spellman Hat Company - for Heads of Distinction, but could not find a fedora that looked right on any of us. Apparently, everyone in Berkley has tiny heads, for most were far too small, although Mickey found a lovely daisy to wear over her ear.

Coming back to San Francisco, we did the historic cable car trip, singing the Rice-a-Roni jingle. While stopped at a red light, Auburn said "I can drive this thing" and thus began the NASCAR SFO 9.5 mph "Race to the Wharf" sponsored by Rice-a-Roni. If the car hadn't jumped the track on the last corner we might have won! Exiting the cable car at the end of the line before the SFPD arrived, we stopped for refreshments and then visited the International Spy Shop. Unfortunately, they were sold out of the fuzzy handcuffs, putting a damper on the prize list for Mamma Mia! We did find Miss Holt's lock picking kit, complete with zippered pouch, but it was out of our price range. Then we took a break back at the hotel, where we again met the Dragon Ladies just getting in from their night out. We compared our tattoos and piercing in the elevator. We all agreed that while the tatts look better on a younger canvas, you can make them more interesting on old wrinkly skin.

For dinner, we decided to cover two Steele Trying sites in one trip. We hit Chinatown for dinner; fortunately we were seated in the front section of the restaurant and not in the back, where Chinese karaoke was taking place. The food was quite good and cheap too. After Skeeziks collected her second-place trophy for her rendition of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," we nearly killed Auburn on the steeply inclined streets as we walked to the Top of the Mark. (There are no hills in Chicago, you know.) We had to wait 15 minutes to get in so they could charge a $10 per person cover, but then were shown to a delightful table for two, despite the fact that there were three of us. Skeez was left to sit on the window seat (though we did have a terrific view), with her knees at table-level. Keeping in the mood of the show, we ordered a bottle of that "Dom Perigrene" that Mulch likes and a dessert of 3 types of chocolate. We attempted to bring home the empty bottle as evidence but were not allowed to remove it from the premises. Roberto, our very hot young waiter must have been tipped off about us. He kept a sharp look out and Auburn was unable to discreetly abscond with the bottle. For our trouble, they took care of the $30 cover charge (the very LEAST they could do) and gave us Top of the Mark lapel pins and hurriedly showed us toward the exit. Elegantly attired in our black break-in clothes (complete with espadrilles) we rappelled down the elevator shaft to the fourth floor where we snapped photos of rooms 426 & 428 before verifying with the occupants that the rooms were indeed separate but equal. Unfortunately, the occupants of those rooms notified hotel security, who escorted us to a holding facility in the lobby. The recipients of the first two phone calls saw the caller id and refused to answer the phone, (thanks a lot, Xenos and Andy). So in desperation, we called our PR rep who sent out a plea for bail money.

We waited. And waited. And waited. Then realized either we had no friends, they were all asleep, or both. Choosing to believe they were asleep Auburn left to negotiate with the security officers and the next thing Mickey and Skeez knew we'd all been released. All that was left to do for the evening was to stumble down the hills to the hotel, a trip which two of us made intact. The other rolled away much like "Harry" in Vintage Steele. We'll leave it to your imagination which two behaved responsibly! On a side note, Auburn needs to get her brakes fixed.

San Francisco: Sharing Time for Time-Sharing

Sharing Time for Time-Sharing

(A San Francisco retrospective, Day One)

Auburn hit the alarm, cursed out Boggs, and said "Whose bright idea was this anyway?" It was 3:30 am CT and she decided to give Skeeziks a call, but realized Skeez would just be nodding off to sleep as the bars had just closed in Pasadena. She got to the airport for her 7:30 am flight, which (for a change) left the gate on time. However, she was unaware her flight would be taxiing all the way to Milwaukee's Mitchell International Airport before receiving takeoff clearance. But they did get a free jet wash with fill up (and S&H green stamps!). She arrived in San Francisco, only to see that Mickey's flight had already landed. She could tell it was Mick's plane as the Frontier jet had an Elvis cape trailing behind.

She was excited when Mickey announced they'd get to ride BART from the airport - and then disappointed to learn BART was actually a train and not a 6' 5" cowboy. They did, however, see a policeman, a construction worker and an Indian chief riding on the same train, asking if they'd seen the cowboy. They exited BART at the Embarcadero station and were astounded at the number of mopeds parked along the street. Auburn couldn't understand Mickey's reluctance to
hotwire a couple of them en route to the hotel. Instead they pounded the pavement for an HOUR, 17 pieces of luggage trailing behind, in search of their lodging. Finally, a desperate Auburn knocked over a street punk, "steeled" his skateboard and hitched a ride behind a cable car yelling back to astonished onlookers, "I am a desperate man". Mickey noted that was from the wrong episode and continued on. Surfing the streets of San Francisco, she felt much like Karl Malden in "The Streets of San Francisco", before Sharon Stone ice-picked Michael Douglas.

Meanwhile Skeeziks braved the AirBART to the Coliseum by herself, still managing to beat Auburn and Mickey to the hotel. The plan was falling into place. We normally get together for Stephanie's plays, but the long cold Pasadena winter had taken its toll on Skeeziks. So we invented a sham play just so we could get together. In the meantime, we discovered the room was not to be occupied by the elderly or by families with small children as the sliding bathroom door was so hard to move that it literally took both hands to open and close. We quickly discovered a recurring theme of the weekend was the bathroom's occupant asking for help from the outside to open the door as the occupant had difficulty getting traction on tile flooring!

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We met in the lobby for our earthquake review and then headed out for lunch. We didn't have far to go as the Knuckles Bar & Grill was right across the street and we couldn't resist popping in to check it out. We then headed to Pier 33 to buy tickets for the Alcatraz tour, only to find it was sold out until Sunday. Our next idea was to steele a tugboat and make our own tour, but Skeez needed a chocolate and/or ice cream fix, so we walked back up to Pier 39. Strolling along the pier with our ice cream, Auburn was distracted by two young men in a wine booth. How could we not stop and chat up these poor, young, hot-looking guys. Did we mention they were hot? When they asked what they can do for us, Mickey quickly duct taped Auburn's mouth and Skeez said "get us tickets to Alcatraz". They said "no problem, just attend this 90-minute timeshare seminar, and they're yours". Time Shares are completely reliable investments when hawked by 22-year-old guys who are plying us with wine and are totally hot. So we signed the papers, and then followed young Jimmy down 6 alleys and 17 blocks before reaching our destination at the former Del Monte Cannery. We filled out more paperwork, using our alias identities, and then spent 90+ minutes with Ron, sparkly-teeth Ron, who thought we were suckers who'd buy a timeshare TODAY. He was wrong, so very wrong. As a final step, Ron brought in manager Don to try to convince us one last time. They don't know us very well, do they?

After escaping Timeshare Ron & Don, we took the full tour of Pier 39, including waving at the sea lions and avoiding being dive bombed by sea gulls. We head back to the hotel, where we encountered the Dragon Ladies for the first time. These ladies have the room next to us and are also out to see the hot spots of San Francisco. We then headed out for soup & salad at a little Italian restaurant. That quickly turned into a $60 snack for Auburn when she spotted a half-bottle of Steele Pinot Noir (no kidding! www.steelewinery.com) that she just had to have. The bottle became her first take-home souvenir, if you don't count the two wine guys....and we don't. By this time we were so punchy that sleep would be easy to come by and we managed to cross the street and walk the three blocks back to the hotel safely. As we enter, the Dragon Ladies are just heading out again. They heard about a new club in the Castro District that's supposed to be fun, some sort of all-male revue. We decline the invitation to join them and call it a night.